The Village Idiot
Secret Government Trials
15 Sep 2007 - by Torquil Sprunt (posted under General)
Secret government trials have been discovered in Wistow.
A secret trial for a proposed government initiative has been discovered in Wistow by unsuspecting locals.
Many of the canine ambulating fraternity (dog walkers to you and me) would regularly take their pampered pooches for a stroll down Harris Lane before cutting across the fields on the public footpath to Upwood.
However, the less athletic amongst the portly pooch parade have had their leisurely strolls thwarted (see photograph) by a ploughed mud trap.
At first this appeared to be an innocent mistake by a local farmer. Upon further investigation however, this has been found to be much more sinister.
A conspiracy between the local farmers and the government has been unearthed. This is no accidental mistake.
It has become apparent that due to recent budgetary constraints, two government departments have had to merge; the department for environment, food and rural affairs (DEFRA) and the department for culture, media and sports (DCMS). The new department (D-CREAMS) has slashed the training budget for the 2012 Olympics and combined it with the countryside stewardship scheme.
Consequently farmers are now being paid to plough the edges of fields over designated public footpaths forcing walkers to make a leap of faith from the verge to the footpath. Covert cameras have been installed by the government to monitor the situation. Those members of the public that perform best are being caught on camera and are being entered into the 2012 Olympic long jump team for the UK automatically.
A government spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, said "This was only supposed to be a trial to investigate the practicalities of the system and was not meant to become public. However, the results from the Wistow trial have been especially gratifying, so we may consider asking the farmers to plough a bit more of the path next year to stimulate some further jumping".
So if you're looking to take your best friend for a constitutional, be sure to limber up first; or maybe take a pogo stick with you...
Happy hopping.
Torquil Sprunt
Many of the canine ambulating fraternity (dog walkers to you and me) would regularly take their pampered pooches for a stroll down Harris Lane before cutting across the fields on the public footpath to Upwood.
However, the less athletic amongst the portly pooch parade have had their leisurely strolls thwarted (see photograph) by a ploughed mud trap.
At first this appeared to be an innocent mistake by a local farmer. Upon further investigation however, this has been found to be much more sinister.
A conspiracy between the local farmers and the government has been unearthed. This is no accidental mistake.
It has become apparent that due to recent budgetary constraints, two government departments have had to merge; the department for environment, food and rural affairs (DEFRA) and the department for culture, media and sports (DCMS). The new department (D-CREAMS) has slashed the training budget for the 2012 Olympics and combined it with the countryside stewardship scheme.
Consequently farmers are now being paid to plough the edges of fields over designated public footpaths forcing walkers to make a leap of faith from the verge to the footpath. Covert cameras have been installed by the government to monitor the situation. Those members of the public that perform best are being caught on camera and are being entered into the 2012 Olympic long jump team for the UK automatically.
A government spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, said "This was only supposed to be a trial to investigate the practicalities of the system and was not meant to become public. However, the results from the Wistow trial have been especially gratifying, so we may consider asking the farmers to plough a bit more of the path next year to stimulate some further jumping".
So if you're looking to take your best friend for a constitutional, be sure to limber up first; or maybe take a pogo stick with you...
Happy hopping.
Torquil Sprunt
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